11/29/10

maybe i've been too scared to write, but since the last time, i've done an 18 mile training run, ran my normal 8 miles, enjoyed thanksgiving, then a 10 mile run.  i know my shoes show signs of running, i've washed tons of running clothes, logged my miles in from my gps watch, but i still don't know if i actually did it.  i mean, really, is it me running?  i did 18 miles and i'm scared to death about 20 or 22 or 26.2.  is that good to be scared?  not sure, but i'm not confident.  i started to get confident before my last 10 mile run and had to walk the last 1/2 mile to do "bathroom" issues.  BLAH!  i don't want encouragement, how can anyone encourage me that i can do something i don't believe i'm doing???  ok, so i'm having a hard day.  hormones or runner's anxiety? not sure but i'm scared and i'm afraid i'm hitting a wall. or i'm afraid that the wall is at the start.  my running partner says i don't complain, well that's because if i say this junk out loud, it may actually be true. 

ok, let's chalk this up to runner's anxiety coupled with hormones and just keep "forward motion"!

11/19/10

quick run around the lake and it was fabulous!  discovered that i'm not crazy for being ravenous!  and instead of fighting it, i should embrace it and eat well.  i've been spending the past week trying to pretend i wasn't hungry and trying not to eat.  a very wise person just said, "i'm going to eat to fuel my body!"  what an original concept!  not eating to feel better, or because i'm sad or because it's time, but to fuel my body!  who would've thought?

11/16/10

i'm running in the rain, just running in the rain....ok somewhere or somehow i crossed a line that i never thought i would cross.  seeing that it was just a drizzle i decided that it would be more fun to run outside then on the treadmill -- WHO AM I????  this would have been a perfert day to stay under the covers, but that never even crossed my mind.  am i changed or am i just faking this.  what will happen after 1/9/11?  will i still be this insanely dedicated runner?  i hope so!

11/11/10

why can't i keep up the confidence i feel when i run.  laced up and legs hitting the pavement, i feel i can do anything and be anything and all is right with everything!  all the minutes leading up to "hitting start" on my watch, and all the minutes after the endorphins wear off are filled with doubt and fear!  who is the true "me", the confident one or the doubtful one? are am i both? ugh

11/6/10

what an amazing day!  i feel like i can do anything.  endorphins in full mode!  i was so nervous last night knowing that today was my 16 miles.  i needed a sleeping pill to get to bed & i completed tore hubby "a new one".  up at 6am, laced up & out the door by 6:45.  3 hours later, i feel like i could run the rest of the day!  what happened to me.  i totally loved it & felt the power.  was it the crispness of the day, the excitement of trying, the company of a great running partner, the fact that i didn't have my gps watch or the gatorade / energy gel?  maybe it was everything or maybe it was nothing, but whatever "it" was, i finally saw that "it" is in me!  can i really do 26.2, well after today, i think, "yeah, maybe i can".  and for the next 8 weeks, the only thing i will say it YES I CAN.  isn't that what He expects from us when He gives us a task?  as a friend said, He will never have me do something that He won't provide the grace & strength i need to do it.  the last few months is showing me so much about who i am; even though i doubt what i can do, there's always a place in me, deep down, that can do it!  let's turn the negative self-talk off, at least for the next 8 weeks or so & step it up!  WILL DO!

10/30/10

10 miles today.  it felt great; it was way cold, though.  hearing the crunch of leaves under my feet was strangely peaceful.  felt a little guilty that i only did 10 miles.  i mean, really, i've got a marathon is about 10 weeks and i only did 10 miles today.  i feel like i'm wasting time or faking it until i get found out.  but i still can't shake the feeling that i kinda enjoy it.  no, i don't enjoy the stress of worrying about disney in january, but i do enjoy listening to my feet hit the pavement at perfectly paced intervals ("is it really my feet taking me from start to finish?").  sometimes i keep waiting to "wake up" from this dream and realize that i'm still that frumpy 45 year old who can barely move her body (and if anyone is reading this, i'm not really looking for encouragement, these are just my brain droppings).

there is a deep fear that i'm really not doing this and when 1/9 comes round, i'll be paralyzed with that fear, but for today, i press on!