12/18/10

ok, it's 9 degrees out and i need to decide if it should spend the next 4 hours out there or on the treadmil.  the treadmil wins, not wanting to risk getting sick for Christmas.  at first i think i'm a lame duck, not wanting to brave the cold, but after 2 long movies & 3 bathroom breaks, i realize that it took more "insanication' (mck's word for insanity & dedication) to stay on the treadmil for 3:50 than it would have taken out of me to run the trail.  sure i was bored, but i did it.  so i conquered my "fear" of the treadmil.  i may not like it, but there is no need to dread it!

12/17/10

ok, so i haven't "blogged" about my 20 miler or the 4-6-10 miles thereafter, but that doesn't mean that i'm officially a runner! it occurred to me after my husband and i woke last week and decided to hit the trail about 8ish for a "quick" 10 mile run.  what was amazing was the fact that it was sub 30 degrees & i was looking forward to the next 2 hours (which by the way was sub 2 hours!!!).  i've spent many hours thinking about 1/9/11, but now i feel compelled to think beyond that to my next run!  i'm not rushing through this, but looking forward to the next training schedule!  does this mean change is possible in my life? well at least for now it is and i know that nothing is impossible with HIM... 

today is a cross training day and tomorrow is an 18 mile run.  considering the dipping mercury, i may hit the treadmil (which is more agony than the 18 miles!).

12/4/10

i'm sitting at the laptop pondering the next 4+ hours. it's a 20-miler today and to say i'm nervous is an understatement.  what i'm nervous about is a mystery.  am i worried i can't do it? am i worried it'll be hard? am i worried about "bathroom issues"? maybe this is my "wall" getting past the nervousness and just doing it.  maybe that's what Nike means, just do it ... be nervous, be worried, be prepared and JUST DO IT!  ok, here i go!

11/29/10

maybe i've been too scared to write, but since the last time, i've done an 18 mile training run, ran my normal 8 miles, enjoyed thanksgiving, then a 10 mile run.  i know my shoes show signs of running, i've washed tons of running clothes, logged my miles in from my gps watch, but i still don't know if i actually did it.  i mean, really, is it me running?  i did 18 miles and i'm scared to death about 20 or 22 or 26.2.  is that good to be scared?  not sure, but i'm not confident.  i started to get confident before my last 10 mile run and had to walk the last 1/2 mile to do "bathroom" issues.  BLAH!  i don't want encouragement, how can anyone encourage me that i can do something i don't believe i'm doing???  ok, so i'm having a hard day.  hormones or runner's anxiety? not sure but i'm scared and i'm afraid i'm hitting a wall. or i'm afraid that the wall is at the start.  my running partner says i don't complain, well that's because if i say this junk out loud, it may actually be true. 

ok, let's chalk this up to runner's anxiety coupled with hormones and just keep "forward motion"!

11/19/10

quick run around the lake and it was fabulous!  discovered that i'm not crazy for being ravenous!  and instead of fighting it, i should embrace it and eat well.  i've been spending the past week trying to pretend i wasn't hungry and trying not to eat.  a very wise person just said, "i'm going to eat to fuel my body!"  what an original concept!  not eating to feel better, or because i'm sad or because it's time, but to fuel my body!  who would've thought?

11/16/10

i'm running in the rain, just running in the rain....ok somewhere or somehow i crossed a line that i never thought i would cross.  seeing that it was just a drizzle i decided that it would be more fun to run outside then on the treadmill -- WHO AM I????  this would have been a perfert day to stay under the covers, but that never even crossed my mind.  am i changed or am i just faking this.  what will happen after 1/9/11?  will i still be this insanely dedicated runner?  i hope so!

11/11/10

why can't i keep up the confidence i feel when i run.  laced up and legs hitting the pavement, i feel i can do anything and be anything and all is right with everything!  all the minutes leading up to "hitting start" on my watch, and all the minutes after the endorphins wear off are filled with doubt and fear!  who is the true "me", the confident one or the doubtful one? are am i both? ugh

11/6/10

what an amazing day!  i feel like i can do anything.  endorphins in full mode!  i was so nervous last night knowing that today was my 16 miles.  i needed a sleeping pill to get to bed & i completed tore hubby "a new one".  up at 6am, laced up & out the door by 6:45.  3 hours later, i feel like i could run the rest of the day!  what happened to me.  i totally loved it & felt the power.  was it the crispness of the day, the excitement of trying, the company of a great running partner, the fact that i didn't have my gps watch or the gatorade / energy gel?  maybe it was everything or maybe it was nothing, but whatever "it" was, i finally saw that "it" is in me!  can i really do 26.2, well after today, i think, "yeah, maybe i can".  and for the next 8 weeks, the only thing i will say it YES I CAN.  isn't that what He expects from us when He gives us a task?  as a friend said, He will never have me do something that He won't provide the grace & strength i need to do it.  the last few months is showing me so much about who i am; even though i doubt what i can do, there's always a place in me, deep down, that can do it!  let's turn the negative self-talk off, at least for the next 8 weeks or so & step it up!  WILL DO!

10/30/10

10 miles today.  it felt great; it was way cold, though.  hearing the crunch of leaves under my feet was strangely peaceful.  felt a little guilty that i only did 10 miles.  i mean, really, i've got a marathon is about 10 weeks and i only did 10 miles today.  i feel like i'm wasting time or faking it until i get found out.  but i still can't shake the feeling that i kinda enjoy it.  no, i don't enjoy the stress of worrying about disney in january, but i do enjoy listening to my feet hit the pavement at perfectly paced intervals ("is it really my feet taking me from start to finish?").  sometimes i keep waiting to "wake up" from this dream and realize that i'm still that frumpy 45 year old who can barely move her body (and if anyone is reading this, i'm not really looking for encouragement, these are just my brain droppings).

there is a deep fear that i'm really not doing this and when 1/9 comes round, i'll be paralyzed with that fear, but for today, i press on!

10/23/10

14 miles today.  started off on the trail and at my half-way point i was in mahopac on route 6.  i felt compelled to run the road back; that would mean something different and challenging, so i did it.  it was fun to see something new and unexpected.  however i never got the "runner's high".  this run was a hard 2:50 run (of course i couldn't just say "hard 3 hours" cuz if was LESS THAN 3 HOURS!).  anyway i was a bit discouraged when i finished that i was excited but mostly tired.  i just wanted to shower and sack out.  does that mean it was  a difficult run or just a hard run.  i don't know, but i did it.  and i spent the whole time contemplating what i'm running away from - let you know when i get an answer!

10/17/10

10k on a hilly course in 68 minutes.  whoa!  i start out so scared that i'll be discovered that i'm not a runner, then i finish with a bang.  ok, so i wasn't the first or the second or even the 50th, but i finished!  i keep hearing that voice that tells me i'm a lazy do-nothing, then i lace up and i'm petrified that my true identity will be found out, then i finish a race!  who am i and what am i doing in running clothes!?!?!  this running "thing" is challenging my whole identity.  i thought i was that mom who was overweight, non-active and happy to be so.  now i'm struggling with this fit athlete (did i really say "athlete") who likes to lace up.  i used to identify with Rosanne - the mom who loved to give her kids Twinkies, and now i'm telling them to get outside and move and don't eat the high fructose corn syrup.  again the fear of 'poser' is looming over my head...but my race bibs are starting to accumulate.  ok, maybe for a bit i'll embrace the poser in me!

10/14/10

wow, what a great day.  once around a beautiful lake with no watch, no gps, just the sneakers, a great friend and my legs to move me!  ok, maybe i'm not a poser, but when i run i feel like i can do anything.  when i'm not running i feel i can do nothing.  maybe all my decisions should be made on the trail / road!  oh hubby would love that!  and why is that first 30 minutes so hard and i'm so hard on myself; why can't i remember how great i feel when i'm finished.  maybe that's one reason to write, to remember.  maybe that's why God is always telling me to remember.  each step i take teaches me to be more confident and i'm so afraid of that confidence.  i've only known doubt and inability and fear of trying.  but i'm choosing each day to trust in what i know.  and what i know today is i can run up to 10 miles almost easily -- who would've thought! (maybe the ONE who knows me better than i know myself would've thought!)

10/13/10

been visiting with family & haven't had a chance to lace up - am i a poser????

10/4/10

ok, did i just slam at 1/2 marathon at 2:35:15?  yes i did!  i still can't believe i did it and sometimes i don't think i actually did.  i pushed myself and i finished.  if finishing = winning, then winner i am!  i look down at the bid, see my sweaty clothes and know that i did something.  i love that i can still amaze myself.  i may not be as strong as i wish i was, but i'm stronger than i think i am!  each step i take proves my naysayers (mostly myself!) wrong.  but i also cannot ignore what i'm learning about myself - that i'm introverted when i run.  is that who i really am all the time?  i love encouraging others and really enjoy saying "way to go".  but i love being in my own head. i also know that the one thing that pushed me the hardest was that i didn't want everyone to see me fail. and now i know that is a huge motivator in my life!  hmmmm

9/28/10

70 minutes on the treadmill - after 10 i didn't think i could do it.  the treadmill is so boring when i'm watching tv.  however by the time i got to 30 minutes, i was feeling great and kicked it up.  i now need to stop worrying about my weight.  i'm healthy, i exercise every day and i eat right.  does 5 pounds matter?  i'm strong and i look great. period.  does it sound like i'm trying to convince you or me?

let's get off weight, cuz maybe i'm just nervous about the 1/2 marathon on sunday.  i'd rather think about the weight and those 5 pounds than think about that.

9/25/10

12 miles down, 14 to go!  did i really just 'pull that out of my butt?'  i'm still amazed as each week i push myself farther than i've ever gone!  each week brings a new level of "WHOA!  LOOK WHAT I JUST DID!"  i love that feeling and i'm kinda getting greedy for it!  not in a "show off" way, just "i'm so proud of what i'm able to do!"

9/25/10

wow! 12 miles down and 14 to go.  what a great time running 12 miles.  i'm amazed each week as i push myself farther than i've ever gone before.  each week is a new experience in, dare i say, something like "great"!  i love how i amaze myself and i'm kinda getting greedy for it!

9/23/10

I could not bring my body to move in any way today.  my mind really wanted to run and felt i "should" run, but that thought never made it to the past my mouth.  was i a slug, sloth, or smart?  did i just need a rest.  maybe, cuz i feel much better now.   runner's block? maybe

9/18/10

laced up today and didn't wear a watch or turn on the gps -- just went for a run for the fun! what a great time!  i'm still nervous when i start out.  why do i think i can't do this.  i'm so afraid that is will end and i'll stop running or this was just a "phase".  i want this to last, not just because i look great or feel great, but because i really do enjoy "being a runner".  i love watching my feet carry me and being in my own head.  i turned around just because i knew i had to get home, but not because i wanted to.  what a great feeling looking at the sky, trees, grass, other people...it was such a joy.  i love saying hi to someone passing me.  whoa, i almost forgot about that one woman -- on the last mile, i was in the "walk" phase of my interval and she trotted by me, which was cool, except as she went by she said i was her pacer for awhile now.  that encouraged me (can you believe i was someone else's "pacer"!).  once i started the run portion again, i had to pass her, just because of ego, it was just my pace.  the last 10th of the mile i sprinted to the "finish" in victory over myself, a biker said "great finish", then i turned to cheer her on.  it was completely wonderful!

9/14/10

an hour just went by and i'm still amazed how much i love running.  just seeing the fog on the resevoir and watching the sun burn it off and knowing i'm the only one out there.  i also enjoy the quiet, only talking to myself.  i'm not sure i can do that for more than an hour, but for just an hour a week i do so love it.  am i running away from something i don't want to face or running to find something i didn't know existed.  not sure which but for now i'm enjoying the journey and hoping i succeed at success (thanks john bingham!).

9/11/10

so we're on an "off" week - long run next week.  we start at 7:30am for a short 6 mile run.  there was a time, in the not so distant past that that previous sentence would never have been typed!  it was a gorgeous day and for a brief time it was easy to forget what happed 9 years ago and just look and enjoy the beauty of what God created.  there was a point at mile 4 on our return when i looked up and saw the BLUE-est sky with the GREEN-est trees and just marveled at what God painted for me.  there was not another runner except for me and my partner so i couldn't help but be a bit conceited to think that God made those colors just so we could see and enjoy them -- see & enjoy them i did!!!  6 miles in 73 minutes wasn't so bad either!

9/10/10

I realized I had an epiphany yesterday when I chose to lace up rather than snooze in.  I am a runner!  I am an athlete!  I care what goes in my body and how it affects what I can do with my body.  But that doesn't mean I'm a failure that I can't run sub-10 minute mile.  I'm totally impressed with myself that I am doing what 4 months ago seemed totally impossible.  I'm learning that lesson about dream it and you can do it!

9/9/10

who is this person who laces up on a day that she can sleep in?  I hit the snooze and slept in until 7:30, and what shocked me more than anything else (so far today) was that I got up, got my running gear on and headed out the door.  there was a time in the not so distant past that I would have just hit the snooze again and slept in until I was late for work!  alone on the road was great today, just watching the lake, keeping my eye on the dirt road and wondering how many times that guy in the red shirt would pass me as he kept doing laps on the road.  close to 1/2 way out, he cheered me on and that helped me dig down and get my pace up ... oh and be so 'confident' that I missed stepped and almost wiped out on the road -- did anyone see that???  trotting back renewed my sense of "I'm not this great a runner, but I'm having a great time!"  And because I got up and pushed myself, I got to see this weird bird, was it a pelican? and that snake in the road totally freaked me out!  But what was the most impressive was the last 30 seconds when I saw my driveway, I once again dug deep inside and kicked it up a notch to sprint to the "finish line" to make it!   What could possible go wrong today???? NOTHING!

I can do this

I've been running for about 3 months and each run brings anxiety.  Although I've trained myself to be able to do 3 miles confidently (not necessarily "fast"), I still doubt what I'm able to accomplish.  But by the time the run is over, no matter how long or how far I run, I experience the same sense of accomplish - I CAN DO THIS!  Now to translate that ability to my life!  Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world!