10/23/10

14 miles today.  started off on the trail and at my half-way point i was in mahopac on route 6.  i felt compelled to run the road back; that would mean something different and challenging, so i did it.  it was fun to see something new and unexpected.  however i never got the "runner's high".  this run was a hard 2:50 run (of course i couldn't just say "hard 3 hours" cuz if was LESS THAN 3 HOURS!).  anyway i was a bit discouraged when i finished that i was excited but mostly tired.  i just wanted to shower and sack out.  does that mean it was  a difficult run or just a hard run.  i don't know, but i did it.  and i spent the whole time contemplating what i'm running away from - let you know when i get an answer!

10/17/10

10k on a hilly course in 68 minutes.  whoa!  i start out so scared that i'll be discovered that i'm not a runner, then i finish with a bang.  ok, so i wasn't the first or the second or even the 50th, but i finished!  i keep hearing that voice that tells me i'm a lazy do-nothing, then i lace up and i'm petrified that my true identity will be found out, then i finish a race!  who am i and what am i doing in running clothes!?!?!  this running "thing" is challenging my whole identity.  i thought i was that mom who was overweight, non-active and happy to be so.  now i'm struggling with this fit athlete (did i really say "athlete") who likes to lace up.  i used to identify with Rosanne - the mom who loved to give her kids Twinkies, and now i'm telling them to get outside and move and don't eat the high fructose corn syrup.  again the fear of 'poser' is looming over my head...but my race bibs are starting to accumulate.  ok, maybe for a bit i'll embrace the poser in me!

10/14/10

wow, what a great day.  once around a beautiful lake with no watch, no gps, just the sneakers, a great friend and my legs to move me!  ok, maybe i'm not a poser, but when i run i feel like i can do anything.  when i'm not running i feel i can do nothing.  maybe all my decisions should be made on the trail / road!  oh hubby would love that!  and why is that first 30 minutes so hard and i'm so hard on myself; why can't i remember how great i feel when i'm finished.  maybe that's one reason to write, to remember.  maybe that's why God is always telling me to remember.  each step i take teaches me to be more confident and i'm so afraid of that confidence.  i've only known doubt and inability and fear of trying.  but i'm choosing each day to trust in what i know.  and what i know today is i can run up to 10 miles almost easily -- who would've thought! (maybe the ONE who knows me better than i know myself would've thought!)

10/13/10

been visiting with family & haven't had a chance to lace up - am i a poser????

10/4/10

ok, did i just slam at 1/2 marathon at 2:35:15?  yes i did!  i still can't believe i did it and sometimes i don't think i actually did.  i pushed myself and i finished.  if finishing = winning, then winner i am!  i look down at the bid, see my sweaty clothes and know that i did something.  i love that i can still amaze myself.  i may not be as strong as i wish i was, but i'm stronger than i think i am!  each step i take proves my naysayers (mostly myself!) wrong.  but i also cannot ignore what i'm learning about myself - that i'm introverted when i run.  is that who i really am all the time?  i love encouraging others and really enjoy saying "way to go".  but i love being in my own head. i also know that the one thing that pushed me the hardest was that i didn't want everyone to see me fail. and now i know that is a huge motivator in my life!  hmmmm